This story is very personal so if you don't know me I would suggest that you stop reading right now.
I have been hospitalized at least three (3) times. My greatest fear is insomnia. By the time I show up at the emergency department by myself or with friends/family, I have already not been able to sleep for one (1) or two (2) weeks. I would love to wait for the family doctor's office to open but usually, the family doctor's office is not open because it's the weekend.
Each time, I am made to wait forever at the emergency department. The first time I was hospitalized, I actually screamed at the emergency department hall because I was left in a dark room with my mother for quite some time after answering some questions and encountering two (2) or three (3) staffs. I waited patiently but I just couldn't take it anymore I didn't know what was going on. Normally, I would not scream at an emergency waiting hall. Shortly, after that, I was hospitalized.
I finally fell asleep and spend a week or so at the hospital. Each morning, I would ask the nurse to open the shower room for me so that I can shower and start my day. I also watched So you think you can dance with other hospitalized people. I actually asked if I could change the channel because So you think you can dance was on. I asked my psychiatrist some funny questions like "Are there actors and actresses in scrub in here?" or "Do you give people placebos?". Anyhow, I was on a mission to leave the hospital because I didn't want to be there for too long.
Unfortunately, after returning home, I was unable to sleep again so I went back to the hospital for a second short stay (also a week or so). Obviously, my self-confidence plummeted after this experience and I was not sure if I was ready for work so I worked an easy job, easy to me anyways, for three years before finally deciding to go back to college to gain some technical skills. Mind you, I was already a University graduate.
I was extremely happy when I got my first full-time job but I was still fearful of insomnia. I did well. Anyhow, lots of things happened so insomnia eventually came back and I was hospitalized for the third time. Yes, I had to wait forever at the emergency room again but this time I did not scream. Again, I wanted to make sure I don't stay in the hospital for too long. It was during Christmas, the hospital was going through renovations so only cold shower was available. I checked with other hospitalized people at the cafeteria if their showers are also cold and asked the nurses to check the shower as well. I wanted to make sure that the water was really cold and that it was not me not knowing how to use the showers.
I don't know how many people had seen that part of the hospital before renovation and after but I have lived there for at least a few weeks before and after renovations. I am sad about some of the renovations they did. For example, a common area used to look out at the meadows, now all you see is a wall. I also don't like the doors at the hospital, they were so loud and each time you open or close it you hear the lock. The TV is behind this dark glass thing which makes you not want to watch TV.
I think I might have went back to the hospital for a fourth (4th) time after that for the same insomnia problem. Anyways, with the cold showers and other unexpected scary stuff, I honestly, don't want to be hospitalized ever again.
If someone asks me if I would rather be sad or happy, I would say sad because you can cry yourself to sleep and it feels great! I am scared of feeling too excited or happy about anything.
P.S. The one time that I did manage to show up at the doctor's office, I was crying loudly and uncontrollably while seeing my family doctor. I am pretty sure everyone heard me on that floor because it's not sound proof.
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